- Interview with The UltraBeast -

Haven’t been reading any blogs lately. Which is a good thing given my ambivalent opinion of blogs. Anyway, here are a fistful of my current thoughts.

Why is it that I find it so hard to relax? Why is it that I find it so hard to be doing nothing? I can’t stand the feeling of doing nothing and learning nothing. So, this must be the thing that people say, "One must know how to put things down (aside)". I might also add, "One must know when to put things down", too.

Maybe I was not familar with this concept or that this issue even exists during my younger days. But to illustrate the importance of being able to "put things down": When we watch those HK serials, the ones with the big company+family partriach who will still be slogging out late at night, fighting out boardroom battles with the evil sons/sons-in-laws and not wanting to relinquish the authority and tasks to other people, until one fine day something happened and there you see the old dude collapsing while clutching his chest. That’s what happens to people who can’t "put things down".

So why is it so hard? I never realized that I would ever be facing this kind of thing but it is now something I realize that I struggle with everyday. What’s the reason? The reason is, the fear that when we stop doing something, either: others will surpass you (one of the reasons) or, less-competitively oriented, just simply the thinking that every moment you spend not doing what you want, will make you lose progress or make your goal take longer to achieve. Simply put, something like: if a factory shuts down for just one day, it will cause the company to lose millions. In just that one day alone. It feels just like that.

So why am I writing about this? This is because I want to progress in one thing more than others, I realize it does take time, but I feel that I want to speed up the process. I guess I have reached the point that nothing I can do would make the process faster, just doing that would just result in frustration, also, there is nothing I can do really. So there is no choice but to just resign myself to letting the years pass by and on the side at whatever opportunity I get, I have to improve myself, and also be willing to force myself to take a rest. So, perhaps it would take five years, ten, or perhaps, the rest of my entire lifetime.

Well, I am glad that I came to this realization. So now the challenge is to do the exact reverse of what I am used to doing: - that is to force myself to not do anything compared to the usual forcing myself to do things.

And simply let time pass. Because one must realize that some things simply cannot be expedited (without causing major ill effects on other areas) even through one’s best, most conscientious efforts.

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On another note, I am having a fine holiday over here. Will update more next time.

I note that I tend to give more attention to my thought processes and the principles of doing things more than significant events (specifically, happy events) that have occured recently. For those who may be curious, perhaps it is because I simply place more importance on the optimization, that is, of maximizing the efficiency of thought processes, desires and emotions, thus placing a higher priority on recording these compared to the narrative of recent events.

OK, I am happy to say, though, that the past few days have been most happy for me. Earlier before that, I had been in a period of ill health, and recovered to handle my professional work satisfactorily. That gave a feeling of relief and satisfaction leading into the beginning of this short holiday.

About the future, I try not to think too much, but invariably I do. In future, perhaps you may still see me doing the same thing that I am doing now, just like how an average citizen goes about supporting oneself, wife, children and parents. If my income does not increase at such a rate comparable to the increase in commitments, then, one would have to cut back on lifestyle options, luxuries. But still: there is a realization that I got: If what we have is all that we’re gonna get, then, one has to be happy all the time with whatever one has. Because there would be no point in "saving up" expecting something to be better and being happy only then. Many people had to work hard, bringing children up, and then retire just like that, how? People still have to somehow go through their days with a smile as often as possible.

Of course, I will do whatever is in my power to improve the quality of life for myself and my loved ones. But keeping in mind the "despite our best efforts" possibility, I just have to live and be happy with "whatever I have" because possibly that could be "that’s all I’m gonna get".

Comments are welcome.